am I real or are you dreaming of me?

notes on modern dating, situationships, labels...

What happened to modern dating? Where does the fear of attachment come from? I am victim, yes. I am a hypocrite, yes. I’m fearful yet I hunger. What happened to the days where not having full access to someone would create excitement, genuine interest, building something stable and functional? This whole texting/full access has changed the dating scene tremendously. How we value people as whole especially with the rise of dating apps. Are you really seeking to meet people? Or are you searching to feel validated? It doesn’t fulfill you, does it?

I cannot confidently say, I’ve ever been part of the dating scene. I was in a relationship for almost six years from when I was 17 until 22. I actually know nothing. It’s been a hard and complex thing to navigate. Labels mean nothing, labels mean everything.

I’ve recently had a conversation with my “situationship”, something I saw more so as a check in. I fear he could’ve interpreted as a “what are we” conversation. To be fair, I don’t know what we are and I’m not that curious either. I just wanted clarity that we were on the same page. We recently just got out of long term relationships, I think he is having a harder time emotionally than I am. I’ve come to accept that my relationship ended, I only reminisce but am no longer hopeful.

I think with our check in I wanted clarity if he saw something with potential at some point or if he wanted to keep things strictly short-term with a definite ending such as a “friends with benefits”. In my head, we were taking the time to know each other by building a friendship and letting life choose whether it evolves or not. I wanted to know if it was a safe space to open up emotionally. I wasn’t asking if he wanted to date me, I was asking if he was potentially working it out and possibly seeing this connection as more than physical. He told me “friends with benefits for now” as opposed to what I had in mind “fucking around and finding out” which to me felt low pressure but also clearer. He said he didn't see a difference in those terms. Well, in my head fwb will end the cycle where it started, we won’t ever evolve. “Fucking around and finding out” leaves more possibilities open. He told me how he saw me, I’ve accepted that until he told me he would feel a bit offended if I saw other people, “you can if you want to, I’m not, didn’t think you wanted to either”, I see his point. Then why choose the fwb title? Doesn’t that title exclude exclusivity and include freedom or no attachment?

We are both navigating this connection with pressures of a heartbreak which is what makes things all so confusing. I think the best option would’ve been to acknowledge the confusion and hesitance. I think I was searching to him for clarity, I wasn’t sure of. Somehow, was left disappointed by his answer. I told him I did like him, I wasn’t ready to commit yet, he told me he liked me too. I thought this conversation would’ve helped ease some tension, I’m fearful it did the exact opposite.

There’s no attachment, yet it doesn’t feel purely physical but somehow lacks emotional depth. I wonder if we move around each other with genuine interest or if it’s the body language of people who only truly experienced intense longing in relationships? I am at my quietest around him. I don’t know if it’s because I find peace in his silence or because I’m scared of being misinterpreted. I feel the guard I hold up and I pressure myself into subtle reactions. Although, hearing him say our label was strictly fwb, part of me feels more open while the other part feels more vulnerable. I think knowing I won’t be anything other than a friend to him removes the pressure and I am more careless of how I behave. As opposed to the doubt, giving me fear of attaching or fully embracing what I thought connecting with him would feel like.

It’s a slippery slope really, being at a tug of war with your emotions. Not knowing if you’re fully healed to embracing someone yet allowing your heart to be open just in case. Then finding out the other person has been fully guarded, nothing wrong with that, just different pages. I could also sense he has a hard time communicating, so I’ll just have to act based what he tells me he feels, and if he’s not fully honest we’re just going to keep tugging until the rope breaks.