feelings ruin everything.

What is it like to just feel nothing? Filling the void in your heart with numbness, novocaine to cure the ache. I must say I am tired of feeling. Why must our emotions always get in the way of potentially great things? Is there ever a world in which opposites sexes can come together in friendship without attachments? I am tired of the disappointments, I am tired

of losing.

I am tired of not being able to keep people around. I am tired of sharing my eagerness for friendship for them to expect more of me. Is my presence not enough? May you always be heard? Why must I always be the one to grieve?

My dad always told “It is not human nature for a man and a woman to become friends, at some point one will feel attracted to either and develop some sort of feeling”. I should’ve known he was right when I fell in love with my own best friend and proceeded to be with him for over 5 years. Losing that connection has been just so incredibly hard. With that, comes the constant attempt to fill the void with surrounding yourself with people, which I think is great outlet to create friendships. Must they always go sour?

If it’s not with men, it’s about them. I’ve lost multiple friendships with men or with women for men. I have not wanted anything more than just a devoted friendship, someone to spend my time with who is eager to share their world with me. I’ll promise to be loyal. I’ll promise to embrace myself in your world. I must always promise to be there, why can’t the favor be returned?