God! Someone get the SMASHING PUMPKINS off my playlist.

I’m an angry girl. I’m beginning to feel the real cruelty in my bones when I begin to dismiss humans for their lack of competence. What is it with the sudden idealization of empathy? We don’t need to feel for everyone. Just feel enough. I’m regressing to my natural state in the womb, the one in which I only behave and react. My soul is beginning to lack complexity because I keep it on the surface. I won’t let you in but I also won’t let you out. Stop feeding off my eagerness to give. Stop tugging at the strings I let loose. Let me keep my fabricated organs to myself.

What does this have to do with Smashing Pumpkins? The last couple of weeks or so I have been looping Siamese Dream which has allowed a numerous of complex emotions surface in my being. I hate everyone, I love everyone. I hate to love and love to hate. Since I’ve started blasting, I can’t stop feeling and things can’t stop happening. Part of me knows they are a transitional band. Fall hits that is your band. Then, why am I listening to them right before Summer? The change happens now and rapidly. I sense the change that is approaching me.

Like a snake, I shed. The capacity to which I can handle other beings make me hiss. It’s barely existent and it’s beginning to feel plentiful.

The ones who I long for and feel the intensity of a connection need to peculiarly feel similar to me in a way that is familiar rather than identical. “The killer in me is the killer in you”, don’t harm me but share the mutual understanding of what it feels like to experience midnight inside of you. I cannot share a life with someone who is stubborn in the sense of shared perspective. I don’t want someone to misunderstand my being any longer. I want to be you, I want you to be me for a second. Further us apart and set us straight.