heartbreak journal entry 1

“If you love them, let them go” they say, but why would you let go of someone you love? I have been banging myself in the head for quite a bit about that, yet I fully comprehend it.

I am currently going through what feels like the worst feeling for human kind, a civil breakup in which growth is required to actually function. My eyes have been swollen and my throat dry for the last 72 hours. I feel like I cannot function and my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

My very lovely 5 year relationship is coming to an end. There has been no betrayal, there has been no anger, it’s just that we are growing apart and not together. I would have never considered myself to be a cliché person, unfortunately relationships are full of them. “it’s not you, it’s me, it’s not us, it’s life”, well… It is nothing but truthful, those clichés are very honest and real.

The hardest part of this breakup is the fact that love will always remain there, it was not only romantic, it carried great friendship, we just unfortunately cannot advance.

I’ve been thinking about ways we could grow together for quite some time now, ways that things could be different and we can remain. It just doesn’t work that way. I think the most important thing I have learned from this, is that when you are completely devoted to someone you truly love, being selfish is not an option. Sometimes, it takes gut to do the right thing even if that feels like the rug is being ripped from under your feet. I don’t believe in a world where we can both be happy while continuously isolating ourselves from the universe around us. Sometimes being the only thing you two know is not a good thing as much as in love as you feel. Right now that we don’t have each other we have been stripped of companionship and currently left alone. We can only talk so much about our own breakup to each other, we have no room to grow away.

Breaking up with someone you love deeply is probably the worst feeling you can get, you’ll feel regretful and feel guilt. All of the sudden, all those problems are minuscule and not worth actually acknowledging just so that we can gain that comfort back. As you learn the hard way, they will show up time again.

Letting him go will help him flourish. He won’t constantly have the pressure of me on him to succeed and I won’t have the pressure of constantly pushing him. As I pushed him, I often neglected my own goals, that is no one’s fault but my own. I prioritized what I thought was his well being above mine, without even thinking if that’s what he truly wanted. I just wanted to always pave his path and make sure he knew that there is a world full of opportunity especially for someone like him, kind and strong.

Choosing the other person, also helps to choose yourself. Allowing him to flourish without me, will allow me to grow in things that I have neglected long enough.

Before we got together, I was in love with art; painting, writing, music, films, clothing. My whole world was surrounded constantly by colors and feelings. I would honestly always be overwhelmed with all of the beautiful art life welcomed me with. When we got together, I was in love with love. I was in love with him, I would’ve done anything to make sure he saw what I saw in him. 5 years later and I am still not sure he does, which means I failed. I will never stop seeing a life for him that is full of opportunity. Somewhere along the line, I forgot there was opportunity for me.