how can you romanticize your 20s and become who you were as a child?

“The Beauty of Womanhood” by Xi Pan

I’ve dreamt about what would life be like when I reach my twenties. I knew that it would be unstable and messy but ultimately it would form you. I know these were the important years in which nostalgia consumes you alongside curiosity. When I was in a relationship for the earlier years of my 20s, something felt off. I wasn't wishing to explore in the sense of romance but rather my own being. I will say I have felt more myself in the last six months than I ever have and I only think is because I’ve given the time to engage with myself on a level of growth. It’s a wonderful thing what a heartbreak can do. It’s necessary, I actually look up to heartbreaks. We are not meant to avoid unpleasant feelings just because they are unpleasant, we are meant to feel deeply as humans. This is how we change.

I also noticed that I have been reminiscent of things I enjoyed as a child, things that formed the state of my being. I’ve spent hours scrolling through Pinterest and observing “shoe-diva” art. That girly independent shopaholic and fashionable era. The one I strived to see in my future. It’s so interesting that as children we know exactly who we are, then we meet people, have experiences, listen to opinions and somehow lose ourselves. Yet, when we are rediscovering our beings we go back to who we were as children. Nostalgia is a powerful tool in shaping ourselves.

People don’t assume I’m a girly girl, or that I like the color pink at all. The concept someone has of us is so conflicting to how we feel about ourselves. When I was younger, I dreamt of being a fashion designer, or working in a magazine, a writer or with a publisher. My dreams are still almost as vivid as they were when I was a little girl, the only difference is now they are no longer dreams, now it is the time to take action.

I think often we get lost in romantic endeavors; hookup culture, or even friendships. In a world of loneliness we search for companionship, I believe that companionship needs to start within yourself. How comfortable one can feel in their own presence, then the value for connection comes next. It’s a beautiful thing, knowing who you are and engaging with others in that confidence.

Explore that child inside of you

When I say “romanticize your 20s” I’m not saying go clubbing, get drunk, get messy, have a one night stand. Especially in the dangers of our world that could completely jeopardize your life. If that is something you’d like to do, of course by all means explore that. What I’m specifically referencing is the love and confidence we had as children and how that can connect us to how we should live in our 20s. We need to lose the fear that it is “too late”. Start that new hobby, make that new friend, get that phone number. Fuck up and do right. Be there and be gone. Get sunburnt, buy that magazine that no one reads anymore. Listen to music on a radio. Have a shopping spree by yourself and get a latte.

The things you wished to do as a child are things you should be doing now.

I wish we still had flip phones and less online influence. I wish we could discover things that aren’t always being subconsciously pushed on us. I also know that I would probably not survive without my phone or social media. We are all in too deep. I miss the feeling of a friend calling on a landline and having the excitement to engage in conversation with them. Unfortunately now, we have full access to everyone all the time and it creates this illusion of comfort and stability which is just masking the co-dependency we have of others. Have we lost our independence because of our phones? How do we gain that back?

I’m also constantly searching for that warmth and lack of modernism grey. Where have our colors gone? Why are we living in a cold co-dependent world? Why has warmth left us.

This is not a what-to guide. It’s me genuinely asking and reflecting. The world just feels so empty at times, I fear it has lost familiarity, warmth and comfort and because of such thing, confusion inhabits younger generations who don’t understand how to feel, connect or empathize. Then the people in their 20s now are the generation that were in between understanding a simpler world and also watching the affecting changes.

I wish we got that innocence and mystery that came with life. The life without rules or restricting worries. How do we move on from this imprisonment of a world?