How to be confident: validation needs to come within

If you have trouble with the image you project, sometimes the insecurity comes from within. We all have insecurities, but are you projecting a narrative onto yourself that is a bit stretched from the truth?

It’s about want.

What do you want? Who do you want to be? What are your likes and dislikes? Are you comfortable expressing your guilty pleasures? Are you embarrassed of the things you like? Do you still listen to One Direction, are you ashamed of sharing that? Or are you specific about who you tell that to?

Drop the engagement towards aesthetics.

You don’t need to limit yourself in a box that society places you in. You don’t need to follow a trend, you are your own. You can be everything and more. You don’t need to project only one version, you can project all and on its own it’ll form into the best version of yourself. Your own persona will be the aesthetic you are proud to share, the pressure of following an ideal will leave and you’ll have the air to finally breathe.

Maybe you want to be a clean girl but you hate Rhode products and Stanleys, maybe you’re not a fan of slick back buns. Why are you limiting yourself?

You can still be a Fiona Apple, Jeff Buckley and The Smiths listening downtown girl and also blast Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield and metal music on the same playlist.

Stop focusing on a mysterious aura

Who are you trying to be mysterious to? Yourself? Let that narrative go! You don’t need to keep the visual image of “female manipulator” because you listen to Jeff Buckley. You may believe that image is mysterious but it’s read through. Let the hidden pieces of you escape and that will begin to create the mystery. The ambiguity of not fitting yourself into a box is far more interesting than an internet copy & paste version of yourself.

Disclaimer: There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying those aesthetics or resonate with them, but limiting yourself to those aesthetics only will harm who you are in the end.

Other’s perception of you shouldn’t change your own

Let’s say you’ve tried hard to really execute the toughest version of yourself and you claim that is how everyone sees you. If someone points to you as a soft creature, will that offend your being or the image you’ve tried hard to portray? Or do you accept that someone has noticed that version of you?

No one is ever one thing, the best way to feel comfortable is by embracing those versions of yourself.

Fake it

Yes, this does work for some people but it takes us back to the first step, it’s about want. How are you willing to push yourself? Maybe today should be the day for that shirt you bought months ago but have not been confident to wear. Now is the day you stop caring and wear them. You’ll learn to understand yourself better through how you feel in the clothes you wear. Why wish to be more experimental when you can be?

What are you missing out on by playing safe? Judgement? You don’t want to be old and wishful of the past. Wondering about all the things you could’ve been or people you could’ve met because of your fear of aiming higher.

Maybe you found yourself attracted to someone and you wish to chat with them, you don’t need to be so forward in your intentions but you could dip toes in the water and simply strike a conversation. The worse that could happen is you’re faced with rejection and are forced to STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. Which is honestly a win.

Find value in your own hobbies

It’s of importance to find something that brings you genuine happiness and prioritizing the need to engage in such. When your mind is active and boosting serotonin when you’re alone, it is easier to find genuine happiness in yourself. That alone is an ego boost. Felling good and doing something you are proud of.

If you are someone “who doesn’t have hobbies”, you need to reflect and understand why that is. Do you not enjoy your own company? Are you lazy? Are you scared? The smallest things can become consuming hobbies.

I love button/pin making and my friend loves taking pictures of shrimp. Any activities you find joyous and you do for fun can be considered a hobby. Make sure you prioritize the feeling of happiness within yourself before you expect someone to enjoy your presence.

Join a group of people who share your interests

Maybe you love art and film, maybe you’re heavily into making music or like birdwatching. Being around people who share those same interests will help you engage in that love and boost your likability towards that activity you love which is part of you.

How can you go about meeting those people? I will admit it’s not easy to find people you share common interests with. This is when the internet is a safe space for you, there are discord groups for things as such. There are newsletter chats and even friendship apps that could help. Bumble BFF has been a very kind place for me to build new friendships with people who share my interests.

Rid yourself of friendships that do not align with your beliefs

There’s nothing harder than being stuck in friendships where people don’t fully see you or understand you. If you are constantly feeling judged and there’s no room for growth and mistakes, then are they really your friends? Once a door closes a new one opens. Don’t fear solitude, it might just be your moment to thrive. You don’t want to constantly feel like you’re being observed, through our mistakes is how will learn to grow and understand ourselves. You need to allow room for you to fuck up.

Romanticize the parts of your life you have control over

You may want to stop that doom scrolling in the morning yet can’t help to grab your phone first thing in the morning whether you want to see the time or shut your alarm. An easy fix is getting an alarm clock. Maybe you want to be the person who does a crossword in the morning or reads. Well, you can do that.

What if you’re nostalgic for a time without computers. Maybe you romanticize writers such as Joan Didion, maybe you’d like to follow her process. Get a typewriter. That will kill two birds with one stone. You now have a new hobby and are romanticizing your life.

What if you take the train to work everyday and it feels so dreadful? Create a playlist to look forward to, play it only on the train. Look out the window and dream. Maybe you want to read classics and can’t find the time to. Bring a classic with you on the train and only read it there.

You can allow the internet to influence you; sometimes performative behavior creates an illusion of reality.

You can see someone online that posts about their “journal ecosystem” and you think you want to be like them. That’s a safe habit, get a journal that calls for you and use it in any way you like. The main focus is consistency.

See yourself as the artist and paint the picture of a life you want.

Confidence needs to come from within you and not someone’s perception of you as that can change and negatively interact with your feelings at that moment. If you are content with yourself you’ll stop trying to convince people who you are.

There’s nothing more attractive than someone seeing you for who you are and still choosing to be around you.

It’s about self-reflection.