I don't want to feel hopeful, I want to feel heartbroken

I’ve been recently asked why I tend to lean towards films that give me utter heartbreak. I used to think I could separate myself from those feelings and I could tell that it wasn’t real, that those emotions wouldn’t linger after the credits roll. I don’t know how true that is.

I’ve been forced to take a step back and analyze the situation for what it is. Ongoing negative emotions linger longer than any optimist feeling could. Is it the obsession with feeling that I prefer or something about the negativity puts me in a state to constantly feel critical. I’m someone who is avoidant yet carry the constant desire of stimulation. Boredom is not for me, I try to keep my mind active constantly and if I am not in a state of distress, how active can my mind truly be?

When I am in a hesitant state, I notice I tend to be more creative. My writing flows better, my being is eager to keep writing. Is it the release of what I’ve kept inside that inspires me or is it just the pain? As much as I loved the film The Phoenician Scheme (2025) I haven’t thought of it nearly as much as I have thought of Bring Her Back (2025). They both have great qualities in the sense of filmmaking; the cinematography, the script, the themes yet the one that made me feel good went a bit unrecognized in terms of emotional impact.

After my breakup, I had a hard time feeling euphoric in any sense. I wasn’t eating, I was barely sleeping. I worked and I came home, I hyper fixated and became existential. I’d stare at the walls for hours and just think. I’d listen to Radiohead to pass the time. That was also the time in which, I was content with what I was creating even if it was barely existent. Then my breakup tension began to release and I started to feel good. I was connecting with people, I saw my friends, I treated myself with respect. I even went on a date (didn’t really work out). I put myself out there in ways I never thought I could and I had fun.

I accidentally met someone that shook me up a bit. I developed a crush on someone semi close to me. I was eager to make them laugh and just be around them. I felt safe in our silence. We have many things in common which excited me. The complications of having just gotten out of a relationship created tension. Hesitance and emotional loss became a huge factor. Could I really like someone enough to pursue something deeper with them? Am I ready for a move as such? I am not the only one to have felt that way since we both experienced relationship loss this year. How do you know the connection goes beyond physical or if it could develop into something more? The truth is I don’t know. Part of me dies in the curiosity of knowing how he could feel but part of me would die knowing. Changing our current dynamics, removing ourselves from the less emotionally stable environment. Do I want to have the conversation and be mature? Or do I want to live in the state of ambiguity? Keep the dynamic as it is in fear of loss or movement. Stable and less impactful. Yet more hurtful and higher chances of ending.

Self sabotaging has taught me I will be creating more. I will find use of understanding the ambiguous state of my emotions. Part of me favors that risk over developing something meaningful. Ever since I was young, I never dreamt of marriage or having a family. I dreamt of loneliness and a stable career. Was I just born this way? With a lack of romanticism and hunger for an independent future. Every time I saw my future myself, I saw her pursuing a different career but I saw her well dressed and alone. If I were to pursue someone romantically, I think I would need them to understand my independence means something to me and I would need them to respect my space as I would theirs. The idea of a companionship to me has been a plus in my life, not a necessity. There’s nothing about that dynamic that would change. I would want to want someone, not need them.