journal entry #2 - may I find the support for life within me

I am choosing not to reach out, I am eager to watch within the silence that lingers in the air between us. I will not respond this time around, just know I am proud.

Something in the air has been feeling dense, I sense the lingering feeling of dread and anticipation. I am losing myself in myself and I am happy to do so. I am a big reader, maybe I am escaping. I don’t fear what life brings me currently, maybe I have lost the thing that constantly made me care and love. At this time, I am feeling selfish. I am feeling greedy. The numbness is beginning to move away and take place elsewhere. I watch it sitting in the corner wanting to come back, it doesn’t. You fix your sleep schedule, I have allowed the softness of the night to enter my life. It reminds me of you, I am beginning to enjoy it. I notice my artistic side comes more at that time. I enable it.

I am sure we all constantly ask ourselves “what is the meaning of life?”, how can we grasp it? Aren’t we tired of just existing? What is the thing you do to make yourself feel alive? People often say pain makes you feel alive, it does. I have felt so alive in the last month. I have felt more than I have ever felt in my entire existence on this planet. I have also experienced a ton of pleasure, just conversing with other beings. The present is a gift given to us to forget about our worries. We allow ourselves to bask in the concept of time. If you could always choose to stay in the present, would you choose to live forever? If pain wasn’t existent would you still find satisfaction in joy?