keep it in your journal!

I am that annoying friend right now that just can’t seem to let go of my breakup. I am overcrowding myself with bad decisions, frankly I am having a hard time just coping with all my recent changes.

When one of the only comforts I carried in life has been stripped from me, I often feel like I don’t have much left. These last few weeks just showed me how much I need to work on myself, truly. That also means shutting up. Your friends don’t want to hear it, your family doesn’t want to hear it, your coworkers don’t want to hear it. Honestly, your journal probably doesn’t want to hear it. Yet, I can’t let go. It seems that everyone knows the right decisions for me, except me. When I am constantly hearing differing opinions, I have a hard time formulating my own. My judgement is beyond clouded, it is a downpour of overstimulating thoughts I cannot seem to quiet. I approach them so aggressively and react even more intensely.

I am feeding into the chaos like a moth to a flame. I try to stop it but I can’t fill the void in my heart. I have always prided myself on how I usually can control my feelings, the last couple weeks I feel like they’re just constantly spilling out, it doesn’t matter how hard I try to catch them they escape from my grip. It always ends up in an overly emotional word vomit.

How can I stop talking about it if I constantly feel it? I keep reaching towards all of these errors in judgement knowing that they are wrong yet I can’t help but allow it to happen. Don’t get me wrong, I have been doing many good things for myself, things I told myself I would do. I just wish I had been doing them with him.

My mother saw him in the grocery store a few days ago, she says it was a nice interaction, nostalgic rather. She hugged him. For that moment, I felt jealous of her. I wish it had been me. I wish I had gotten the chance to smell that nostalgic scent again, it was better that it wasn’t me. Once I caught myself imagining that, I began to hyperfixate on it to the point the scent was so vivid. I washed my bedsheets, it wasn’t enough. It was everywhere. I bought new sheets and a new quilt. He is no longer in my bed but he is all over my walls, my clothes. His steps linger on my floor as if I haven’t scrubbed over them multiple times. I see his tall body in my room helping me remove my shoes. When my hands are cold I think of putting them under his shirt just to annoy him, he let me every time. Now, I remain cold.

They say only time heals. With the way things are going, I must trust that is the only answer. I can no longer indulge in my sorrow, it is beginning to follow me around and individually affect other parts of my life. One of the reasons we ended things was due to the seclusion from the outside world and loss in friendships causing loneliness. I feel like I have the most friends right now, yet that loneliness still lingers. Except now, I am feeling exhausted.