post-breakup notes: moving on, value & heartbreak

How do I know I no longer have hesitance to move forward? If I have to ask the question, seemingly I know the answer. I’ve thought of my ex moving on and whether or not it would bother me. I don’t think at this stage it would. It would be hypocritical of me to think so, no?

I feel like I am in a tug of war with my emotions. I am excited that I’m engaging with someone but I’m growing tired of the ambiguous state of our dynamic. I am not a patient person but I don’t mind taking my time with someone I know could be worth working for something bigger. Although, I fear what it could mean.

If I truly end up liking someone again, which I think I might be on my path to. I struggle with my own avoidance. If something feels hard or honest I preserve my peace and choose to distance myself. I’m not sure when this attachment style developed. I don’t do well with feeling exposed or vulnerable. I don’t like to give my all, yet I peel in layers. The person I am seeing makes me feel the complexities of wanting something. To want and to work. I don’t do well with my own emotions. Instead of butterflies in my stomach, I feel moths in my gut. Something seemingly exciting brings me a drowning fear and I move into a state of paralysis.

I fear the loss of my independence. I fear that someone will always request my full access again. I fear I’ll lose my privacy, myself and enter another round of a relationship routine. I fear that someone will show me their true colors once I’m invested and make it more difficult for me to walk away. I want to preserve my solitude yet I cannot stop thinking of what these new possibilities are.

I love my ex, I truly do. He was nothing but kind. I wish him nothing other than the absolute best and success in everything he does. Maybe seeing him with someone would sting me a little, but isn’t it all part of the process of letting go? Exploring and accepting the new steps of moving forward? Grieving is therapeutic. I think I need to accept if there’s a point in my life where I need to do it again, it is because I was meant to. I shouldn't fear the unknown, as humans we are meant to explore, right?

I think what I fear the most is someone I consciously choose not thinking we are of equal value. As someone who understands their self-worth, I often attract people who fear beginning something with me for a lack of need. Isn’t wanting someone more valuable than needing them? I wouldn’t want to be needed, I would want to be wanted. You are actively choosing my presence instead of needing what I have to offer.

I often felt like my ex didn’t truly see me at times. Or rather chose to ignore the parts of me I offered him so easily, I now keep my guard up. What if someone chooses to ignore the parts of me I thought to be valuable? Will that affect my confidence moving forward? I never wanted to be a prize, I wanted to be an equal.

I remember asking him “why do you love me?”, he would answer “I like the way you make me feel”. Maybe at the time it was flattering, reflecting on it now feels a bit painful. How did I make you feel? What about me is it that you enjoy? I’m not sure I ever got a straight answer for that. I loved him, he was sympathetic, kind, he was caring. He took interest in my culture when I was ashamed of it, he allowed me to see the beauty and he made me nostalgic. I loved observing him, I loved the way he would pout at me when he was confused, I loved the look of emptiness in his eyes when he disassociated, I found it funny. I loved the complexities and how human he was. I loved him despite of his mistakes. I loved that it was comfortable. I hated that it was comfortable, all I got from him is that I made him feel good.